Fade Into Me

It’s another late night out, leaves on the ground, the wind chill starts to pick up hitting my face and running through my hair to give me that hollywood effect, one that gives the air of the rebel one that owns the night.

As the windy city welcomes its fall season, I find myself yet again overloaded with stories in my head collected during the summer, a time that is treasured in this part of the country due to its short-lived nature. Among many things I want to say, there is something that I’ve been holding ever tightly inside of me for awhile now. The one thing I’ve been wanting to say is the very thought that crosses my mind as you reach for your cellphone on the table for the hundredth time just to check on social media -which I take exception to- resulting in an unnecessary argument followed by a heavy make-out session.

The one thing that is at the forefront of my thoughts when you smile at me, when your body moves to the rhythm of jazz… when your tongue finds my lips, when I feel you in a close embrace, when you love me.

The one thing I wanted to say as the sunrise was hitting its apex, reflecting its beautiful rays on your silky skin as you slept in your bed the first time we made love there.

The one thing I wanted to say when I felt your heart racing against my chest the first night we went to a ballroom and danced the night away, skin to skin, hands holding tight and eyes locking against each other like no one else existed.

The one thing that is at the forefront of my thoughts when you smile at me, when your body moves to the rhythm of jazz, when you tell me stories over a glass of scotch, when you laugh with me, when you squeeze my fucking hand, when you whisper my name and call me love, when your tongue finds my lips, when I feel you in a close embrace, when you love me.

But mostly, I wanted to say it the very night I met you, the first time we exchanged glances and took a picture together with my arms around your hips, and looking down at your angel face staring right back at me, and just like that, a numbing bliss took hold of our reality, time stood still and everything around us dissolved into oblivion.

A passionate, raw confession of what I feel for you, and truly believing that when the day arrives, you will reciprocate the fervent love and desire I feel for you.

I want to tell you the words that keep circling my mind each time you do something I find adorable but can’t seem to bring myself to do so. Oh yes, it is one of the hardest things I will ever say and do in my life, as I feel like I am in the middle of a deep, dark ocean with a thunderstorm hitting down on its dangerous waters and lighting up the grey skies with no help in sight, and completely exposed.

I am confident that one day you will be able to hear them, feel them and hold them for what they are. A passionate, raw confession of what I feel for you, and truly believing that when the day arrives, you will reciprocate the fervent love and desire I feel for you. Once they become part of you, hold them forever and every night as you close your eyes and venture into your dreams, my echo will resonate all around touching every part of your being and kissing you like no one else has.

I feel you close yet so far, as if an invisible veil is getting in the way of destiny, our destiny to be together. Thousands of stories and experiences are yet to take place and somehow I already long for the moments that haven’t happened yet. Moments of laughter, moments of happiness, moments that transcend us… the moment you finally fade into me.

Maybe down the road something will happen… maybe we finally make it happen, but not today.

I guess what makes all of this difficult and perplexing to me is knowing how much you love me, how much you fucking want me, and how badly you want to be with me but unfortunately, we both know the painful truth, the writing on the wall that spells-out that today is not the day. Maybe down the road something will happen, maybe we finally make it happen, but not today. I do believe a day will come when -as friends- we find ourselves accidentally strolling along the Boston Harbor, maybe we stumble upon each other at a coffee shop in downtown Seattle or at a show off Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles.

And on that day, we will look into each other’s eyes and know that finally the day has come. A new day for us to start something special, it will be a day to remember, a day where I finally get to say the words that have been circling my mind, the words I’ve been holding ever so tightly inside of me for awhile now. I love you, sweetheart. You have no idea how much but I love you, and can’t wait for you to fade into me as I fade into you.

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