Dark Vulnerability

On a dark, cold night after a long day, I still find solace in complete isolation, in the presence of nothing else but me, myself and I. On the couch, lights off and a glass of whiskey by my side as too many thoughts run at the speed of light through my head, certainly vulnerability and a state of melancholy that comes with being lonesome makes the heart and one’s mind wonder about the past, present, and future.

Yes, the maybe’s and what if’s. They almost seem to be inevitable, you can’t stop thinking about scenarios that may or may not come to fruition, I guess it is ingrained in our system. To dive and wonder about possibilities, hopes and dreams in our most intimate, and lonely moments that leave us exposed and completely stripped from daily armor.

I can’t help but to start thinking about the many times in which I believed I was the one to blame, to take the fall or to think that maybe, only maybe I was the issue but then I realized that in those moments I didn’t get tired of believing, I just got tired of being deceived. I didn’t get tired of taking risks, I got tired of ending on the short end of the stick. I didn’t get tired of loving, I got tired of shedding tears for the unworthy ones.

“I will continue trying, forgiving, loving because that is the one and only true way I will find myself.”

Sure, there are several things that I am currently sick and tired of but even after all of it, all the shortcomings, all the heartaches, the sleepless nights and yes, even after going through hell and high water believe it or not, I still believe.

I still believe, and I will continue to take risks, to look foolish, to expose myself, to give my heart and soul, to give my all. I will continue trying, forgiving, loving because that is the one and only true way I will find myself and when the day comes, that is when I will find somebody who will be worth of my presence, my life, my story, my triumphs and my pain. Somebody who is worth the shot. Someone that is willing to dive-in, head first with no hesitation, no doubts, nothing at all… just blind faith.

I’m still here sitting down in a dark, dimmed room enjoying my poison of choice cause there are very few things that supercede a night of solitude to unplug from the noise, unplug from reality and away from all the crazy fucking shit that I experience every weekend. The random encounters, the unscripted arguments with strangers, the unforeseen opportunity at a new beginning, a chance to get it right.

“It is about finding someone whose dark shadow and demons dance at the same pace and tempo as ours… that make you believe such organic fusion was meant to be with that one being, and one being only.”

Then, my eyes overcome the mirage, the spiral of silhouettes, the series of vignettes that once were my present, now my past and projecting onto the future to avoid making the same mistakes.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I finally expose myself completely the good and the bad, my strength and my weakness but beyond the contrast of personal attributes, at the end of the day it is about finding someone whose dark shadow and demons dance at the same pace and tempo as ours, interconnected so seamlessly and effortlessly that make you believe such organic fusion was meant to be with that one being, and one being only.

Not showing the typical “here I am, this is the best of me” cliche. No, I am exposing the shadow side, the darkness in me, the flaws and vulnerabilities that ultimately shape me into the person I am. The vulnerability that reflects who we are behind closed doors, behind the curtain, during the moments when no one is looking… A dark vulnerability.

 

 

 

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