A Sealed Door & White Coffins

It happened on that fateful morning. Inhaling high aspirations, and carrying no expectations. Getting ready for the day, feeling good and with ultimate confidence away I go. Aaron Neville and The Manhattans playing right through my ears, whispering the lyrics that seem to apply at this moment in time flowing in a sublime pace, everything seemed too surreal, it is going to happen.

The closer I got to the destination, the closer to the edge I was. A combination of anxiousness and excitement overcame me despite the fact that I have done this hundreds of times, there is absolutely nothing new to this, so why do I feel the way I do? Checking my watch, fixing my cuffs, making sure I look dapper, or at least like someone that resembles normal decency, not the typical debonaire in a leather jacket and a pair of Ray-Bans. No, this time I wanted something different, something special. I guess the only thing we want is to make the moment a perfect, memorable one.

But then again, why? why would this be any different than any other occasion? Was it because I may have held high expectations when they were not warranted or something entirely different. I believe this was a case where the latter applies. It was simply something different, uncharted territory yet I was willing to go through it. No doubt, no hesitation, just pull the trigger and go for it. Step by step, stride-by-stride, block by block, walking against the bitter cold hitting my face unmercilessly, screaming at me “turn around and walk away!” which at that point I had already made up my mind, hell and high water may come, I am pushing through till the end.

“Standing in front of the infamous door, one that could hold a world of misery or blissful happiness on the other side of it.”

Closer and closer, just a corner turn away, just a short walk through a walkway, and there I am, standing in front of the infamous door, one that could hold a world of misery or blissful happiness on the other side of it.

For me, that was the moment, the moment I thought I had found what I was looking for. I took one last breath, exhaled with much relief and as I was about to knock on the door, an overwhelming feeling came over me, I held my fist from knocking…. Of course, this story did not start here and now, this story has been years in the making.

It all started by stumbling upon her in an unfamiliar place, one I had no idea how I ended up in, all I knew is that I had made the right choice. It felt right but different, I met many wonderful people, we danced, we laughed, we had a good time. Time slipped fast like sand in an hourglass. When the night ended, I knew then that I had taken the right course of action by accepting the invite to attend and all because -among many wonderful things- she was there.

As briefly and marvelous as it was like a shooting star, it was a memorable encounter that ultimately became a one-and-done yet long enough to leave the spine inside, one that itches and makes the heart grow fonder.

“An impenetrable divide between me and an imaginary book I had written in my mind that I now wish to tear apart.”

Like some sort of short circuit in the interaction, an unintended detour was taken directing us to the wrong path beautifully painted however, by the echoes, silences and spoken imagery of what it could be, scenarios that could be and that exist within the realm of possibility yet seem so unattainable for whatever reason. Maybe this is the way it should be, maybe it isn’t we just do not know, a definite answer lies in front of us hidden in plain sight, it is there but can’t see it or is it that we simply don’t want to see it.

Warping into the present time, having done this many, many times before there I was, as if time stood still and someone had hit pause on life. No movement, no sound, no thoughts running wild through my head, it was just me facing that sealed door, at least it felt like one for me, an impenetrable divide between me and an imaginary book I had written in my mind that I now wish to tear apart, a book that I had colored with vivid moments and eloquent sentences describing what could have been.

From majestic serenity to destructive storms that shall pass as they always do, going back and forth, almost as if the Devil and God are raging inside of me one-upping each other without realizing the mess left behind. Yes, that is how the overwhelming the feeling was at that very moment where knocking appeared to be impossible, odds stacked against me and yet despite all of it, here I stand before that sealed door holding the key in the form of a fist wanting to continue and find out where this may take us but afraid that the outcome is not the one I envisioned all along.

I lowered my hand, exhaled, turned and walked away. As beautiful as this may turn out, I know it has an expiration date, it could be after a day, it could be after many years but it will inevitably end. Las Vegas gamblers and people in the world of sports say “You should leave while you’re ahead”. I don’t know where I stand, maybe I am ahead but in all likelihood I am not. At this point I rather bury this in a white coffin and treasure it as a good memory for what it’s worth and move on. At the end of the day, it was good while it lasted. Now all it is it’s a sealed door & a white coffin, where it should and needs to be.

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