Life is full of mistakes. They come in all shapes, different colors and divergent magnitudes. Some of them keep you blinded and in complete denial, these are the ones that land like a sucker punch out of left field, you simply don’t see them coming, the ones you refuse to accept but leave an indelible mark in your heart and mind. The ones that change your life forever and become transcendental.
Yet among all of them, there is one that stands out and keeps coming back to haunt you because you know deep down inside it will always be her. Yes, the one that got away, the one that will always be part of your life story. Yes, we all have one (maybe two, or three; goddamnit!) whether if it is based on reality and a tangible truth or simply a product of our wild imagination, one that projected a friendship into a relationship or a casual relationship into a formal one, always looking for the next step, something more than what we have, which starts by constructing these soft-glowing vignettes filled with endless possibilities full of love, lust and hope projecting what could possibly be.
Images running rampant and spreading all over your head giving you false hopes that are nothing but smoke and mirrors rather than providing a way to make the desired step a reality. Looking back on what could have been if one had taken the road given as one of the choices, sure it may have turned-out different and life wouldn’t be what it is today just like it would have been if you had taken the alternate path in any of your other decisions throughout. Yet here you are, full of life, joy with everything going for you, just like a train at full-speed, steamrolling and achieving everything you want but then you weigh and ponder about the scenarios of you and her vs. the rest.
“A scenario where you much rather sleep and dream alongside her than to miss her while awake and away from her.”
Scenarios where you would choose to spend the night having a long conversation over a glass of wine or a single malt with her with music playing in the background making the hours feel like minutes until the sunrise beams the sky and not feeling like it was a waste of time. A scenario where you would rather hold her hands than to feel the embrace of another stranger, all because the magic of her hypnotic eyes touch you deep down in such a way that it feels more intimate than being with someone completely naked, feeling each other skin to skin yet without the same intensity & butterflies she gives you.
A scenario where you much rather sleep and dream alongside her than to miss her while awake and away from her, because her lips light an incandescent fire that no one else can ignite even after making-out with thousands of them. It simply doesn’t feel the same.
“An illusion that was picture perfect and full of hope, a hope for the future that vanished the moment you opened your eyes and realized it was all a dream.”
As much joy and happiness those thoughts bring to your memory, they also carry frustration and pain. The frustration of missing you and not being able to have you, the pain that brings loving someone so fervently with unrestrained, uninhibited passion and knowing there is no reciprocation, at least not anymore, not like it once was and above all, the harsh reality that you will never be mine and yet feeling like there is a future, and finding out that life can go on without you.
When you finally come to the realization that it is ok to let go, to let her walk away because she were never yours to begin with, at least you thought she was but it was all an illusion, an illusion that was picture perfect and full of hope, a hope for the future that vanished the moment you opened your eyes and realized it was all a dream.
At the end of the day… it was you… it is you… and it will always be you.
There are mistakes that leave an indelible mark, some others fade and others are never accounted for as they didn’t even matter but there are few, very few of them that you never go back or never look back to because they never leave you, and among all of my mistakes -the one I wish I had never made- my favorite and sweetest mistake will always be you and if it was up to me, I would rather die tomorrow than to live a hundred more years without you and that is why you will always be my sweetest mistake.