So here it is. The moment of truth, the moment of realization, an epiphany accompanied by a strong catharsis and the removal of the veil that blinds us when we are taken away by the feeling of passion and that crazy little thing called love.
I know it is a little too late but I want you to hear me out. Not to hear what I want to hear or what I want you to hear but what you need to hear, which is the truth. I jumped the gun with you in a reckless and relentless manner in which I did not take into consideration your side, your feelings, and your emotions. I was beyond inconsiderate and rushed into your life like a raging bull lost inside of a palace made of glass.
As I type this, I am beyond appalled with myself because as clear as it is NOW, I never saw it from a different angle other than mine, a selfish one, out to get what I wanted which was you and you all along, however, one thing is for certain and that is my best intentions and my feelings for you were true right from the get-go, unfortunately they were both conveyed and taken into action the wrong way.
“I was indeed making the right decision by choosing to stay, yes for you and I would do it again in a heartbeat no questions asked. Period.”
I feel disgusted at myself because for the first time in years I felt like this was possibly it. A fruitful, loving, and legitimate relationship, one that never was, and this is in part because I was the one that looked at you straight in the eye while driving on our way back to Chicago as we approached a highway toll checkpoint. I turned to you and asked “So, what do you think? Would you be open to give this a shot, a possible relationship?” to what you responded “I can’t tell you right now. Maybe but I can’t commit to it, I just can’t tell you right now” I replied without hesitation “It’s ok, either way I plan to win you over, you just watch”.
A week went by, and after thinking about the pros/cons, going back and forth with my thoughts and my family about foregoing Southern California, a new job, a new scenery and everything else that it entailed, I came to the decision of staying to give this a shot, to go all-out and win you over.
Yes, if I had a do-over I would yet again pick you over a job, a paycheck, a city. I would for sure. Besides as my mother told me “Los Angeles, the new job, a paycheck aren’t going anywhere… go with what you truly want, with what your heart tells you”. Her words were everything and reassured me that I was indeed making the right decision in choosing to stay, yes for you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat no questions asked. Period.
Until that moment, everything was all set and good. Then, it was just a matter of making it happen. Sure, we did get together and started going out but I guess this is where I forced myself into your life by going from not having anyone that would impose his or herself onto you to having a man that was truly head-over-heels for you and blindly without much thought into it decided to barge-in with complete disregard about how you felt about this, and even though later on you did mention you remained noncommittal with reservations about it, I still someway, somehow did not pay attention to the sign, to the warning and continued to relentlessly pursue a relationship, which was based on nothing but a couple of good moments and exciting sex exploring our darkest desires and bringing them to fruition, which felt great but nothing else of substance, the foundation and connection revolved around physicality. Nothing more.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted, for the complete and utter disregard of your emotions and violating your boundaries by trying to force or find a way, any way to get this relationship to work.”
Slowly but surely our connection started going on the proverbial downward spiral and eroded to the point of bringing up more and more of the negatives, conversations that were once fun, carefree and light became heavy in nature with a negative tonality and a disdain that became poisonous and hard to even navigate around it. Ever since, all I ever really meant to say was that I’m sorry for the way I acted, for the complete and utter disregard of your emotions and violating your boundaries by trying to force and find a way to get this relationship to work.
I never really wanted you to see this fucked-up side of me, this isn’t truly who I am cause many, many people can attest to the kind of man I am, and somehow I was blinded by love and lust, by the desire of being with you no matter what. I was blinded by you because I had finally found someone that I believe was worth everything, someone that I would go the distance with and for but the excitement and fear of losing this opportunity took over and instead of allowing me to show you the absolute best of me, my mind scrambled, I got carried away and tried too hard to make you see that I was the one for you, to make you realize that this is where your story takes a turn for the better.
I never really wanted you to go because there are so many things you should have known, the good, fun, loving, adventurous self that was willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. I guess for me there’s just no hope, you gave me several opportunities and I was just too fucking blind to see, discern and adjust behavior accordingly. I never meant to be cold, indifferent and completely disregard what you hold near and dear to heart: your autonomy, your boundaries, and your life.
“I fucking fell for you, I loved every single minute I spent with you, your eyes lit up a fire inside of me making me believe that you were the bliss and the fresh air my life needed.”
I know this won’t change anything but it is important for me to admit, own and recognize my mistakes that I blindly made. They say love makes you do stupid things, they say love is blind, well I say they are right and I am living proof of it. I couldn’t stand a day without you, I couldn’t stand the possibility of losing you, I counted the days in between for the next time I was going to see you cause you may say whatever you want about my behavior, my disregard for your boundaries BUT what you cannot refute nor deny is WHAT AND HOW I FELT about you because those are MY EMOTIONS.
The truth is…. I fucking fell for you, I loved every single minute I spent with you, your eyes lit up a fire inside of me making me believe that you were the bliss and the fresh air my life needed, your lips interlocked seamlessly with mine, your touch was magical and brushing skin-to-skin was a euphoric experience.
Now all of that is gone because I fucked up, because I couldn’t see what was in front of me and adjust accordingly, because I was blinded by love, lust and the desire of being with you as nothing else really mattered at that moment in time.
The truth is…. it appears to be the end. The truth is…. I would like to go back in time, change things and make them better. The truth is… it’s over, call it a day, I am sorry that it had to end this way. It felt magical, unfortunately everything has an expiration date and as Johnny Mathis says “Too Much, Too Little, Too Late”.
The truth is…. I love(d) you.