Walking back home at late hours in the night, the street lights illuminating my path with no one else in the vicinity, luggage rolling on one side and my guitar on the other, feeling the wind chill in my face, a reminder of what makes this city what it is. I finally arrive home, slid in the key, opened the door, walked-in and dropped everything. With dimmed lights on, glass in hand, poured myself a drink and my mind starts clearing, thinking and wondering about what it once was, what it could have been. Yes, you’re still on my mind. I no longer feel the way I used to but the memories remain. Those memories that appear to be imprinted with indelible ink that I can’t seem to erase from my mind.

Last night. Last night I remembered you, I remembered all the good things and the great times we shared together, it may be a selective recall but it is what I choose to remember. Unfortunately, the brain works in weird ways and inevitably I also recall the bad moments, those sour instances where we couldn’t bring anything but the worse in us. Yet some way, some how I choose to ignore them, I choose to keep you in my mind as the one that I fell for and the one that held my wild, and stray heart.

Remembrance of that beautiful smile and those hypnotic eyes that drove me wild every single time I stared at them, eyes that dazzled me and that couldn’t looked away from. I also remembered all of those late night calls where absolutely nothing else mattered but you and I, late nights that sometimes ended by passing out while the phones were still on, passing out to the sound of our voices, passing out to the one I felt was the one I would be doing this for a long, long time. All of this topped by waking up to a text, to a little note wishing a “Good morning” and vice-versa. Nothing felt better than to see your fucking name lit on my screen, triggering a feeling of butterflies, of happiness and of hope, hope for yet a better tomorrow cause you would be by my side.

“Looking down at my chest to see your head leaning on me, closing in to kiss you in the forehead, asking the universe for this to be real and not a dream.”

I never told you this but I remember all the times where even the silence between us was something that would fill my inner being with peace and while lying next to you, looking up to the sky, a single tear would stream down my face filled with happiness and fulfillment, thanking the universe for having met you and having you by my side, looking down at my chest to see your head leaning on me, closing in to kiss you in the forehead, asking the universe for this to be real and not a dream.

I remembered the promises I made to myself, the effort and confidence I had knowing that I was going to win you over, that you were going to be mine. The plan to take you away to the east coast, and make magical moments that would last a lifetime. All of those things just made me feel closer and closer to you, excited for the future and dreams made of happiness and joy, including that trip directly to Cape Cod, a trip that never came to be. Yes, those moments that didn’t happen and ultimately won’t.

Reality sets in. I come down from the bubble that never was, and the moment where you are no longer there drops like a hammer. Even though you are no longer in the picture, those late night conversations that kept us awake for hours at a time are no longer existent and my name is no longer lighting up your screen, I know deep down inside that you have not forgotten about me, and you never will.

“My name continues to pop up in your mind… with a gleam of hope that a love like ours or at least a love that I once had for you, will never die.”

I know that you still think about me, I don’t know why or how to explain it but I do believe that at some point during any given day or week, while running your errands or chores, my name continues to pop up in your mind, not as a dream or by pure coincidence but perhaps with a gleam of hope that a love like ours or at least a love that I once had for you, will never die.

Last night. Last night I remembered you and thought about how when two people are destined to be together and they suffer a rupture, a break, distance gets in the way or even if they hate each other, one day they will reunite. You know, I do not know if in the future everything will go back to the way it once was or if we will ever see each other again but whatever happens I want you to know that during the time we spent together, you truly made me the happiest man alive, all of this even with my flaws and deficiencies, and I mean that from the depths of my heart.

So if you ever stumble upon or read this, I only want you to know that last night I remembered you in spite of the fact that we are no longer anything but a memory.

That is all we are and we will ever be.