Ding!… Ding!… Ding!… One chime after another, my watch shows 2:05 am and as much as I want to get to it, I do not want to answer, I just don’t and it is simply because I know what’s on the other side of the bright screen, I know that it is bound to be another one of those nights. It is another night that bleeds over to the next morning where we are laying down on the couch or bed looking out the window or ceiling while gracing our bodies, hovering hands all over, running fingers around the collarbone, up the neck and through each other’s hair. Knowing how this ends most of the time, I simply could not stop myself from replying with a Hey! Yes, a simple one-liner composed of 4 characters, 3 letters and an exclamation point, no emojis, no happy faces, no GIFs. Never fails, of course this applies when you are the one responding to the initial text, not when you are the one reaching out but that is a completely different topic for another time.

Kaley. The name that shines bright on the cellphone screen. I met this wonderful girl under fucked up circumstances, one of those days where you don’t even know what to do with yourself because everything appears to be falling apart, your heart is racing to the point of not being able to stand still because you feel that it will explode at any time. I called a couple of friends at the time but between being out of town and working, they couldn’t get together. I picked up my journal, my iPad, threw them in the backpack and away I go. After some time of walking around, enjoying the scenery and breathing deeply with each step I finally decided to make the riverwalk my destination. The weather was perfect, the wind blowing just right yet I still felt the anxiety eating away at me. This rarely happens, there have been a handful of instances in the past where this kicks in and there is nothing I can do. After strolling under the north loop bridges of the Windy City, I settled at a nice spot -which I accidentally stumbled upon just by wandering around- called Tiny Tapp.

With drink in hand there was no open spot to sit on, I approach the nearest table with a single person and without saying anything I sat on the only open chair, took my journal out, had a sip of the drink and started scribbling as hard and fast as I could, emptying myself out on paper. The girl just stared at me with deer-in-headlights look, it didn’t matter, I kept writing and sipping every other couple of seconds. In some respects, it was my way to cope with my current state of mind. She said “Are you ok?” and of course my oh-so less cordial version came out and said in a condescending way “Do I look ok to you?” and kept at it. “Excuse me, last I checked you didn’t even ask or said Hi when taking the spot at the table, and now you’re giving attitude!” I closed my journal, put away my stuff and signaled the guy behind the counter for another drink and to make it two. Stood up after a minute, picked up the drinks and slided one in front of her and said “You are right, I was an absolute asshole and extremely inconsiderate by not saying Hi or even asking for the spot. Not to use it as an excuse but it’s been a shitty day and I am trying to mend a crazy heart” she replied “You mean, a broken heart” I corrected her saying not broken just accelerating with anxiety and about to explode. “I’ve had those days myself too, sucks doesn’t it!“… and that is how it all started with Kaley.

For women in general, sex is an easy thing to obtain. It is effortless and doesn’t take much in order to get it from any guy, any place, anytime.

Back to our back-and-forth banter after 2am -which is nothing but slight insults, innuendos, and random shit that could get you thrown out of an establishment- she said “Hey, I have a question for you and I need you to be one-hundred percent honest with me!” I replied with no hesitation “Shoot away!“.

“How come when a guy gets around and sleeps with multiple women is labeled a badass, cool, hero like in the eyes of society, yet when women do the same, we are labeled as whores, sluts, hoes. I just don’t fucking get it. What gives?”

Talking about a loaded question with so many angles, so many components and pieces that can be broken into fragments which can lead to an endless, heated but oh-so interesting conversation. I gave her an answer that most can agree with even if they don’t like it. It all boils down to one thing and one thing only, it all resides on the level of difficulty which the sexual act is obtained with.

“Men are like switches, they have two modes: ON/OFF, their sexual state of mind is one or the other… either they are or they aren’t.”

For women in general, sex is an easy thing to obtain. It is effortless, and doesn’t take much in order to get it from any guy, any place, any time. Any woman without having to rely on tricks, sexual advances, heavy flirting, etc. can easily get any guy into bed whether she meets him at the club, lounge, coffee shop, on the street -you name it, anywhere- it is that easy, this of course, if she wanted to. This applies to all women, even the not-so attractive ones have a higher likelihood of getting physical with the opposite sex any given day than highly attractive men. The lure, looks and charm of a woman are so powerful that any man with red-hot blood running through his veins will fall for it, get aroused and turned on to the point of being blinded by the haze of lust.

Men are like switches, they have two modes: ON/OFF, their sexual state of mind is one or the other, never in between, never in a gray area, it’s either they are or they aren’t. This modality plays too well for women, and gives them an unfair advantage, as they can use their charm and physical attributes to sway the male emotion and ignite arousal with little to no effort. Once turned on, most men do not care about commonalities, shared goals, looks or marital status. At that point, only one thing overwhelms their mind: Sex.

On the other hand -for men in general- sex is not an easy thing to obtain, at least not as easy as it is for women. Sure, there are some men that are really good at escalating fast, smooth and without much hassle, they have refined their approach and sexual advances that it works in most cases BUT they are a tiny minority and yet even them will admit to also having pitfalls and struggles along the way, it is not a guarantee that sex is a given.

You take the most attractive, good looking guy at any venue, one that has his act together, a solid career, money, mature, fun, intelligent, etc. all the attributes that would make the perfect man. List them all. Even that guy cannot get with every woman at the venue,  and I dare to say that he won’t even get with five to ten percent of those present, and for those that would be open to have a rendezvous with him will take time in getting to the point of being ready to have sex with unless they were out and about looking to get laid.

Women are more like knobs, they operate gradually for better or worse. If things are heating up and they are receptive, they will open up to more advances, more touching, more flirting and playful banter. If not, they will become more and more disinterested, colder and indifferent. Either way, it happens gradually. They do not get aroused by just one glance, by a couple of minutes or anything that appears to be quick because not only it takes time to get her to truly open up and be vulnerable but also perception plays a big part, which is that she may come across as easy to others.

So all in all, there are many different angles and different things that come into play but at the end of the day, it boils down to the level of difficulty and amount of effort it takes for one to partake in a sexual act in comparison to the other. Men have to work for it and women not so much.

When it comes to owning their sexual desires and having power over their sexual life, as unfair and unfortunate as it is, this is one of the main reasons why men appear to be badass, heroic figures and women appear to be slutty, and easy in the eyes of society.